Looking for Littleness
Sunday, July 20, 2003
  I was last to sleep and first to rise, today. I spent a few hours last night on the web trying to find out about accredited accupuncture certification programs. Not only is it an exciting idea for me to explore philosophically, but it's an excellent path to walk (ready, set, zen!!) to prepare for weightloss and then to pursue the healthy way to live that I am afraid to dream of.

I think that one of the most difficult emotional issues for me regarding lap band surgery is the not so underlying fear that I will fail. I have this weightloss handed to me on (practically) a silver platter, but won't I screw it up this time like I have done every other time in my life? If you've been fat, or have a weight problem, I think it's like any addiction recovery process. The fact that you have battled it, and that there is a potential for it to balloon again, is a gnawing possibility. One must stay vigilant. Not that fat people are addicted, but that we fat people often are addicted. That I shall not deny.

So, as I told my therapist (who I saught as a recomendation by the PhD who did my pre-op psych eval) I can imagine being thin about as likely as winning the lottery. And I mean the BIG lottery. At some very important level, that's what I believe the odds are. Yet I know how important it is to visualize (as Tae Bo Master Billy Blanks likes to say "visualize! vis-vis-visualize!) oneself achieving the goal one sets. So I just try. But it usually ends up coming out kind of pathetically pained, like "I can't wait for my feet to be more narrow so I can wear those shoes" or " I'll want to go to 6 flags next year when I can get into that ride less conspicuously" or "I'm still fat, but after this surgery, I'll feel more secure going out to that trendy club - sorry honey." Nice, huh? I think the WORST thing that I am daring to say to myself about this surgery, is something that all insecure people say to themselves in one form (wonder twin powers, activate!) or another. That is: "When I am thin, he'll (she, it will) love me." I suppose I said that to myself before the possibility of the operation came about. But now that I actually have a shot, that voice is getting louder. I suppose I am getting a bit desparate. The anxiety is intense.

The most vulnerable and unaging section of me must obviously be concluding that 1)I am unloveable 2)probably because I am fat 3)and it can't have anything to do with me being unloveable on the inside 4)it's just that you are too shallow to see it or to take the time to know how wonderful I am. 5) You would if I were thin, you asshole 6)so I'd better not get thin because then I'll know how imperfect and normal I am because not everyone WILL love me nor CAN they statistically and I can keep hating you 7) so let's not even go there. I'll stay fat and hating the world - no, not hating the world, hating myself for not being wiser and more close to perfect 8)it's always all my fault, I don't deserve to be thin. (And dang, why must I always split infinitives?)

Exhausting and sad. Especially because, pretty much, I am happy with me in every other way. I first went to therapy when I Was 19 and taking time off from school. And although the guy was sort of an egoist (...wait, that was the pot calling the kettle black...) , he said something that I think was true. He deduced that I like myself just fine, I just don't think anyone else will. So it's a sticky situation, because it keeps me aloof.

It's not particularly soothing to talk about these things. I'm not sure that it is even helpful. So, back to acupuncture, and the constructive thoughts of which I am more than capable.

A happy thought: In the US, accredited accupuncturists seem to make $30K - $100,000K per year, depending on if they are employed by a hospital or self, and if they are in a state that covers accupuncture. I am looking at a 3 year program (2 nights and a Saturday per week) about 30-45 minutes from here, south. Fantastic! Also, elligible for financial aid and all that jazz. Though, married with our income.. I don't know how that will be. I was always so poor and owned nothing -- that I qualified for tons of $ aid. Well, big deal, I think it's only 20-30K for the entire program, which can be done.

Friday, July 18, 2003
  Looking for Littleness. No, this isn't a quest to find a small town in Scotland. This is about me getting the laparascopic banding (lap band) done on my stomach in order to lose weight. I have a LOT to say on this matter, as one can imagine. It is intimidating to post these thoughts for the public. People go on the web to show what they want the world to see, don't they? That's simplistic. I suppose the web requires nothing of us at all... being purely voluntary, and taking some effort.

On August 5th, I go under the light saber of a certain Dr Chua, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I'll leave it up to you and your resourcefulness to learn about Lapband ing, if you want. Google to your heart's content, as I have.

In the weeks to come, I will start to find the food that I can eat in the weeks after my surgery, identify protein drinks that won't make me squirm, learn to take 30 minutes (at least) to eat a meal. Weightloss surgery, as grateful as I am, requires as much effort as any purposeful event that can change your life. Like... applying for and then attending college. Exciting, frightening, exhausting and liberating. Requires much work to make it successful. Not a hand out, but an opportunity. I'll begin an exercise regime for the rest of my life. My stomach will bear a portal to the world, like another anus, which too will take some effort to open (although not a doctors office visit, as the lap band does). I remind myself of the book (and movie if you like, as I did) Naked Lunch, from WIlliam S Burroughs. Just as surreal, my friends. Just as surreal.  
Thoughts on my life related to the Lap band surgery that I am about to undergo.

07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 /

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